Darcy Kuemper 7, Corey Perry 0. Avalanche goalie handling Tampa Bay Lightning, and critics, like a Stanley Cup champ.

First the eye, then the groin. At one point, Corey Perry attempted to pry his cane from Darcy Kuemper’s groin the way one would use a crowbar to pry rotted wood from a porch.

“He just likes going to the net,” Avalanche goaltender Kuemper said of Perry, the Lightning-plague who later caught Kuemper’s midsection during Colorado’s 7-0 edging in Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals with the Nose to nose dove night. “That’s how he plays.”

Do you think it was some sort of shenanigans on Perry’s part?

“I don’t know,” Kümper replied. “Just try to get out as best as you can.”

So how do you keep your composure when they swing to sensitive areas?

“They have boys and that’s how they play. It is what it is.”

Kuemper shrugged his shoulders. The way he shrugged off everything thrown at him — sticks, pucks, stats, historical precedent, succinct one-liners — during his historic playoff run.

MEA to blame, Darcy. Apparently you can win a Stanley Cup with Kuemper between the whistle, for the same reason you could win a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer or Brad Johnson as quarterback.

When the unit on the other side of the field – or ice, in this case – is so damn good, so absolutely dominant, just don’t screw it up and the rest will take care of itself.

The Avs’ offense was their best defense on Saturday night, proving once again that when the action unfolds about 150-200 feet from his crease, you’re awfully hard to beat for Kuemper.

Nathan MacKinnon, Gabe Landeskog, Mikko Rantanen, Cale Makar, Valeri Nichushkin, Andre Burakovsky and Darren Helm score straight for fun, line by line, wave by wave. Colorado is the first NHL team in 37 years to score at least four games with seven or more goals in a single postseason, making it the biggest offensive tsunami to crash the trophy since Wayne Gretzky, Jari Kurri and Mark Messier carried the flag for 1985 Edmonton oilers.

“They’re playing at an elite level right now,” said a shocked Lightning coach Jon Cooper after his team dragged a 2-0 series deficit back to Florida for Game 3 on Monday night. “Do[the Avs]credit.”

Let’s talk to Kuemper, while we’re at it. Yes, Saskatoon’s best had enough time in Game 2 to catch up on the aftermath of “Stranger Things” on his side of the rink while his teammates harassed Tampa goaltender Andre Vasilevskiy on the other side.

But a goose egg is a goose egg, and Mount Darcy stopped all 16 shots of the Flash, so rare, that got in its way. It was the first shutout in a Stanley Cup final by a Colorado goaltender since Patrick Roy did it in Game 6 of that 2001 title fight with the New Jersey Devils.

In franchise history, Kuemper is now the only Avs goalkeeper, alongside Roy, to ever keep a clean sheet in a cup final – despite Roy having to lift much heavier, admittedly, and saving 24 shots (Game 6, ’01), 25 shots (Game 1, ’01) and a whopping 63 shots (Game 4, ’96).

“I thought he was ready,” Avs vet Andrew Cogliano said of Kuemper.

“It was just one of those nights where you knew he was square on a shot and making the save. They had a couple of pushes in the second (period) and some chances on the power play, but he seemed very big and very positional.

Yet Kuemper was never taller than when Perry was either in his face or on his waist, driving it up, baiting it, poking it, punching it, shoving it, or tearing it. Looking to start something.

“I think at this time of year you just try to do other things to throw the boys off track,” Helm explained. “And that might have been one of her ways.

“We just have to (forget) all of this… we know that’s going to come a little bit. But Kuemps is a smart guy. And he knows (how) to stay out of it.”

It is what it is. Make Perry bark.

After two tilts, a goalkeeper in this series has his head in a permanent spin while giving up almost six goals a game. The other gatekeeper is Darcy Kuemper, quiet, steady, halfway home to immortality.

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